Day Fifteen

Lara makes a daily call to the step down unit to learn about Jaxon’s status and what happened overnight. She spoke with Stephanie, the current nurse watching him. In today’s status report, we learned that Jax is doing well overall, however; his jaundice monitoring continues. To test for Jaundice, the unit test for biliruben which is a yellowish pigment that is made during the normal breakdown of red blood cells. Bilirubin passes through the liver and is eventually excreted out of the body. The level of bilirubin does not necessitate another dose of light treatment, which is good.

I spend a lot of time in the step-down waiting areas, of which there are two. The main waiting area is in a dark alcove in the room adjacent to where Jaxon is and the other is just down the hall. I’m currently in the latter with an angsty, young African American father, who I’e seen before, who happens to have a child named JACKSON. His son’s mother gave birth around the same time as Lara, I recall seeing her in the Labor and Delivery ward last week – or this week, the days have lost all meaning.

As usual, Lara visits Jaxon first, which gives her great joy. As I mentioned in another post, we have a tank were Lara and I store the love we have for our child. Most days, the multiple minutes we stay with him fill us up for hours. I think today Lara will not only fill up her tank but also a few gas cans as she has spent the last hour or so breast feeding Jaxon. This a great achievement for both Lara and the baby as that have a direct symbiotic relationship. I’m happy for us. I look forward to seeing him later, I believe I may give him a bath. Hilarity ensues.

I spend a lot of time waiting, which is fine. Most of the time I write this blog or check social media, because who am I without that retweet? If I do too much of this, because COVID asks me to do this, I get a muscle twitch under my eye, which happens randomly. It looks strange and probably means I should stop straining my eyes looking at phones and computers but we know that is virtually impossible. While screen time is the most probably cause, I also have a twitch while under stress. The process of caring for an infant without the infant is difficult. The stress, this sort of grief, is something that you know will happen beforehand and has probably happened to all parents, with each person reacting differently. Lara and I know intellectually that, based on our daily reports, Jaxon is doing well and that some day soon he will come home with us. However, that feeling of emotional trouble is a thing. It is the emptiness of our Jaxon tank and the overwhelmingness of everything.

While I’m not sure we’re quite there yet, one of the issues that I have to keep an eye on is Postpartum depression, which include mood swings, crying spells, anxiety and difficulty sleeping mainly for mothers. It may begin a few days after delivery, and may last for up to two weeks. Lara’s case, given the added stress being physically exhausted and traumatized as a result of the birth and our close and personal friend COVID keeping us from seeing people in-person probably exacerbates her emotional state.

Case in point, we rented a lactation pump to ensure that the we used a hospital-grade system to stimulate Lara’s milk production. While we just got a consumer pump, we don’t want to risk an malfunction of the equipment or of Lara and I. The breast pumping unit was working fine until this morning, when it reported an error. We reset it by looking up the model on YouTube, it worked fine for a few minutes and then reported the error again. Lara, concerned that this would happen again, wanted to replace it. For some reason, I felt a way about this. As we had a commercial pump, I didn’t want to feel like I was abusing our privilege. Also, Lara was successful in getting it working again by changing certain components, I just felt that we could manage.

Lara was right. Various websites, including the maker of the pump stated that if this error continues that it may need to be repaired or replaced. It doesn’t make since that I should feel a particular way or that Lara should be so concerned as we have another pump. We all process a sort of grief, a post traumatic reaction to not only the last few weeks, but our entire journey. Me being me, I try to contain my grief but it leaks out as passive aggression. I’m aware of it and am working on it – I think I have the tools.

I feel a little guilty about this because Lara is the one really going through it. It sort of like me complaining about a toothache while Lara just loss the use of her limbs. My position seems foolish. That said, she has this desire to binge watch Dawson’s Creek. First, other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Boy Meet’s World, and Sister, Sister, most 1990s teen angst dramas were garbage. Trying to make sense of Dawson’s, because it doesn’t, is the wrong approach, Lara says. Basically, I have to let it flow over me. This is cruel and unusual punishment, I say. I just have to take it.

All this said, I don’t want you to get all worked up about this whole tank situation. This is perfectly normal. Lara and I shouldn’t hide our seasons of discontent but should let them out. Our birth experience is unique – but isn’t everyone’s? Baby Jax will one day leave this place. Hopefully, we will have unlimited energy due to his presence.

Thank you all.