Baby Ruby is now home. After 5 days in the NICU, Lara, Jaxon and I finally have her in a car seat on the floor – being heavily guarded by Lulu the cat. The other cats aren’t really interested as Ruby isn’t making moves on their territory.
I feel extra vigilant with her. I feel like I know what I’m doing but in reality this is all just guesswork. Jaxon is a sweet boy but he’s still a boy and I don’t want him throwing toys at Ruby thinking that they can play catch with a truck. Hell, I’m vigilant with myself. It’s been 2 1/2 years since I cared for a newborn. If feel a little cranky because of this – I want Jaxon to behave a certain way – with the godly reverence that a 50 year deacon of a Baptist church would expect. That’s not realistic and it totally my problem. I just don’t want baby to be inadvertently harmed because I didn’t have my spider sense activated.
Lara is fine now – still incredibly tired and in discomfort but walking around as herself – mostly. As part of the birth, has retained a significant amount of fluid, which has impacted her. I’ll tell more about that some time later but the birthing process was harrowing.
While she’s generally in good spirits, she has gone through the trauma of giving birth. I will never understand those words. There is a frustration I’m dealing with because I can’t understand. I find myself third guessing whatever she’s doing – as if she doesn’t have to deal with her own second guessing. The most I have to do is not fall asleep and do chores.
While waiting to take Ruby home from the NICU, which the hospital never tells you that it’s a all day effort and one where they deploy secret squid game tasks, we did hear the status of other families with infants under their care. When they tell you that your child will be in the NICU, you immediately feel dread – perhaps guilt – that you put your child in a bad situation. Rationally, we know that it’s not our fault but it’s a unrelenting uneasiness that you must endure – but what about this is rational?
In our NICU pod or care group, we overheard the how one child was to head home today, only to have his health deteriorate. Now the unit must call his parents. Another child, based on what we thought we heard, was in the NICU for sixty days. Lara and I hope that we miss heard it and it was only sixteen days. We also saw very young parents – early 20’s at the oldest – doing what we were doing, infant and child CPR training videos.
Despite all that Lara, Jaxon, and Ruby have endured, it could have all been so much worse. I am thankful for knowing good fortune when it hits me in the face, in spite of my failings We are parents who love a new little girl and a brother who is learning how to be bigger, surrounded by the love of a community and people like yourselves..