Lara and I are frequently amazed by the maturity of our first born son and no, we don’t mean Luke the Cat. It’s important to explain to you the beauty of Jaxon. He appears to be the most popular kid in daycare while always commanding any room he enters. He has a smile that can light up the Big Apple but is also introspective and about to emote feelings in a way more emotionally aware than many adults.
When we told Jaxon that he was going to be a big brother, he seemed as excited as any 3-year-old would be – mildly bemuse, probably. In recent months, Lara and I read books like You Were The First that emphasized his new coming new reality. While that book and similar made his parents teary-eyed, it was hard to gauge what exactly was going through Jaxon’s mind. Yes, he would talk about the baby sister in his mommy’s tummy, he would push his stroller with the Cabbage Patch kid, but what does that mean to him? Who knows.
As we got closer to Ruby’s birth, Jaxon became more excited about the prospect of having a little sister. He would declare on occasion that Lara and I were his mommy and daddy – as if to both confirm this was true to all those who may be in earshot and may be to reassure himself. We read a few books to Jaxon that we hoped would help him understand what the hell was really going on. One of Jaxon’s most read books at the time was What Makes a Baby. Another that he also seemed to enjoy was Strong Mama, a book that he would routinely pull out to read. We felt confident that Jaxon understood that in mommy’s belly was his baby sister.
I had never been away from Jaxon overnight. Call it a product of having a baby born near the height of Covid, but it never was a serious consideration. Whenever Jaxon went to sleep, his daddy would see him in the morning. This realization rang in my brain like Tinnitus; a background feeling that I didn’t articulate, even to myself. On hindsight, I probably should have. We scheduled our induction for a Wednesday. If everything went smoothly, we could be home as soon as Thursday. It didn’t.
During the time that we were away, we had wonderful people care for our little boy. Jaxon as on his best behavior with them as they rotated from picking him up from daycare, staying with him overnight, or dropping him off the next day. Through it all, Jaxon was trooper. If he had to be carried to daycare, we had someone do that (Thanks Morgan) and he didn’t freek out. He played, went to bed, took baths, and ate without any trouble – so well behaved, so proud of him.
We wanted to reach out to him to let him know that we were okay and that we missed him. I stepped out of Lara’s post delivery room briefly to eat while she FaceTimed with him. I came back toward the end of the call to see Lara crying as Jaxon tried to understand why we left him. Even right now, I feel so sad for him; said that I feel like I hurt him. The truly devastating part was that he didn’t through a tantrum, he just had face that showed all the hurt that loving 3-year-old could bare.
Lara was finally discharged that Sunday. We were focus on coming home as fast as possible because while the birth was hard, seeing Jaxon’s heartbroken little face was as hard. I biked home to pick up (Thanks Deborah) so that I could drive him back to the Hospital to pick up his mother. When I saw him through the door, he almost looked at me like he didn’t know me, “who is this”? I imagined that he would greet me like when I pick him up from daycare – an emphatic hug like he had been waiting all day just to give one. Jaxon didn’t do that. I could see that he was upset but trying to at least act like he missed me as Deborah asked something like, “aren’t you happy to see your daddy”?
When Jaxon and I arrived to Lara’s room you could tell that he just wasn’t himself. Outwardly, he seemed fine but he was sedate when compared to “normal”. He also seemed a little annoyed that – after all of this waiting – that he could not finally meet baby sister. He didn’t like his parents that Sunday. I think he felt we lied to him and left him. This is a new and devastating type of guilt that I didn’t think possible.
While we hope to mend this, and yes, this is a three year old so mending may be somewhat melodramatic, there is a part of me that is sad because this is the first time I think we really hurt his feelings – did not meet his expectations. In the coming weeks when you see Ruby Fife, remember the first baby and let him know that he still matters and is loved.